Beautiful Oblivion
by Moon's Tear
Summary: The team is involved in a shoot out in an abandoned warehouse in which one of them is injured. Love and tragedy are inevitable. Character death fic. Tearjerker AU Kibbs. Please review! ::COMPLETE::
1. The Sacrament

**Beautiful Oblivion**

My first NCIS story. The team is involved in a shoot out in an abandoned warehouse. One member is injured. Love and tragedy are inevitable. Kate/Gibbs romance. The POV is Gibbs'. Please read and review!

Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS. Surprise, surprise.

Chapter 1: The Sacrament

I stood there, staring him straight in the eyes, my gun drawn.

"Put the gun down, McLeod." I instructed.

He looked right back at me, and then glanced over at his hostage. He spun around and pointed the gun at her. Kate shifted uneasily on my right while Tony took aim on my left. I couldn't see McGee from where I stood, but I knew he was panicking. I knew because I myself had panicked during my first hostage situation in the field.

"Come any closer and I'll shoot her!" McLeod shouted.

"You don't want to do that, McLeod." I said calmly.

"No? How do you know I don't, huh? You psychic or something, agent Gibbs?!" McLeod snarled.

I shook my head. At my movement he turned and pointed his gun at me.

"Come on. If you put the gun down now and come quietly, you'll get off a lot easier than you would if you killed me." I negotiated.

"No! If I put my gun down, you'll shoot me!" McLeod shrieked.

"I won't shoot you, I swear. If I put my gun down, will you?" I inquired.

McLeod seemed to think it over before slowly nodding his head. I nodded in response and pointed my gun down. He began to lower his weapon, but instead he turned and fired twice at Kate. She screamed and I saw the look of pain flood her features before she fell to the ground from two shots to the chest. I felt like everything was happening in slow motion. I didn't even get a chance to raise my gun before another set of shots rang out in the abandoned warehouse. A bullet grazed my arm, but I felt nothing. McGee and Tony had fired at staff sergeant McLeod. He collapsed soundlessly and blood poured from an entrance wound right between his eyes. I dropped to the ground and knelt next to Kate's limp body. Was she dead? I quickly turned her over to face me and felt for a pulse. It was weak, but at least she was alive. Tony appeared beside me while McGee went over to McLeod. He placed two fingers on the still man's neck.

"He's dead." McGee announced.

At that same moment I heard a strangled sob and remembered the hostage. I stood and walked over to her.

"McGee, DiNozzo, you get the medics, get Kate out of here and call Ducky. Have him meet us at the hospital. Make sure they take her to Bethesda." I ordered.

The two of them nodded and Tony knelt by Kate as McGee ran out to notify the paramedics. Tony gathered her into his arms and whispered affirmations. I felt a sudden and unexpected pang of jealousy. I shook it off and got back to the situation. I focused my gaze on the hostage and began to untie the ropes binding her to the chair.

"Captain Abigail Elliot? I'm special agent Jethro Gibbs with NCIS. Are you alright?" I inquired.

"I'm okay. What about the other agent, the one who was shot? Will she be alright?" Captain Elliot asked shakily.

"I don't know yet, but the medics are taking good care of her." I said, indicating the chaos behind me.

"Poor dear." She replied.

"Don't worry about her. Agent Todd is a fighter. Let's get you out of here." I suggested.

She nodded and stood up. I put a comforting arm around her shoulders as we walked out of the building. Once we got outside I handed her over to the waiting detectives and rushed over to Tony and McGee. I stopped just in time to watch the ambulance carrying Kate pull away.

"How is she?" I queried.

"Alive." Tony deadpanned.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean, DiNozzo?!" I snapped.

"They almost lost her. She's in pretty bad shape." McGee offered by way of explanation.

"God damn it!" I growled.

"They're on their way to Bethesda Naval Hospital. I've called Ducky and he'll meet us there in twenty minutes." Tony said.

"Good, let's go." I replied.

We piled into the car and I was driving on autopilot. It was all my fault. If I hadn't been so stupid! I could have been smarter, better, faster. I could have saved her. If only I had followed protocol and not dropped my gun! Damn it, Gibbs! You've been a field agent long enough to know to stay on guard!

The entire drive was made in silence. Once we arrived at Bethesda, I jumped out of the car and sprinted all the way to the casualty ward. I stopped at the admittance desk and hailed a nurse.

"Can I help you?" She asked.

"I'm looking for a patient. NCIS special agent Caitlin Todd. She was brought in by a civilian ambulance with two gunshots to the chest." I explained.

"Jethro!" Someone shouted.

I turned around and saw Ducky rushing down the hall toward me.

"Ducky! How is she?" I inquired.

I didn't know whether I wanted to know or not. It made me sick to think that she might be dead.

"Not good. She has massive internal injuries and she's lost a lot of blood. They've just taken her up to surgery. Come on, we can wait in the lounge upstairs." Ducky suggested.

I nodded numbly. If she died it would be all my fault. Tony, McGee and I followed Ducky up to the surgical ward. We waited in the lounge for nearly five hours. The whole time I was mentally kicking myself for breaking protocol. If I hadn't then Kate wouldn't have been shot. I should have been the one in the path of those bullets. What kind of sick bastard would shoot a woman?! I don't know what I'd do if she died. I might die, too. She would die and I would never get the chance to say goodbye. I would never be able to tell her I loved her. I was in shock by the time the surgeon showed up.

"How is she?" I asked apprehensively.

"She's still critical, but slowly stabilizing. The next 24 hours will be difficult, but if she makes it she should be in the clear. We had to put her aorta back together as well as her pericardium, diaphragm, and left lung. She'll be sore because we had to put in a few chest tubes and a tube to help her breathe. You can go see her in recovery one at a time. It'll be a few hours before she comes around. We've got her in a drug-induced coma for now. The Phenobarbital therapy will help her body slow down and stabilize faster." The surgeon explained.

"Thank you, Dr. Murphy." I whispered.

The doctor nodded politely and left the room. I turned to the rest of the team and sighed. I also thanked God for saving her.

"You can head back, I'll stay with her. I'll call you if anything changes." I said.

"You gonna be okay, boss?" Tony asked.

"I'll be fine." I said firmly.

Tony nodded and the three of them left. I braced myself and walked to Kate's room. The first thing I noticed when I entered the room was how frail she looked beneath all the tubing. I walked over to her and sat in the chair next to her bed. I took her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"Hi Katie, it's Jethro. Listen, I want you to know that I'm sorry for this, for what's happened. It's all my fault. If only I had followed protocol. It should be my laying there, not you. Please be strong, fight this. Stay with me, Kate. I need you here. I love you." I said softly.

She lay there, motionless and angelic. I brought her hand up and caressed it against my cheek for a while before lightly kissing her delicate knuckles. With my free hand I brushed her hair away from her face. She was cold and deathly pale. I sat there and just watched her sleep for what must have been at least an hour. I was snapped out of my trance when I suddenly heard the door open and click shut again.

"Ducky! What are you doing here?" I inquired confusedly.

"I came to check on you and Caitlin." He replied simply.

I nodded and looked back down at Kate. Ducky stood over us and I could feel his eyes searching my face for some sign of life, of emotion. I bit my tongue to keep from letting on to just how much this was affecting me. After a few more seconds I heard Ducky sigh in resignation and leave the room. I couldn't face anyone at the moment. I couldn't be weak in public.

"Come on, Katie, wake up for me. Let me know you're okay." I whispered.

I could have sworn I felt Kate's grip on my hand tighten for a brief moment, but I passed it for the wishful thinking of a guilty soul. My mind was playing tricks on me. The second time, however, I couldn't deny that she had squeezed my hand. I squeezed back gently and leaned in over her. Her eyes shut tighter for a second before fluttering open. I released a breath I hadn't realized I had been holding. All I could do for a few seconds was smile. Tears of joy stung my eyes, threatening to fall, but I blinked them away. A confused expression creased her face and I sighed with relief. She was okay.

"Welcome back, Katie. You're at Bethesda Naval Hospital. You were shot twice in the chest and the doctors had to operate. The next day or so will be hard, but after that you'll be in the clear." I explained.

Kate nodded and smiled weakly around the breathing tube. She let go of my hand and motioned for a pen and paper. I grabbed a pen and notepad from the bedside table, handing them to her. I watched her intently as she wrote.

"Apology accepted." She had written.

"You heard me?" I inquired.

She nodded slowly.

"Then I guess you also heard that I love you, Kate." I said lightly, stroking her cheek.

She blinked in response and scrawled something untidily on the notepad.

"I love you, too, Gibbs." It wrote. "But what about rule 12?"

"I only said that because I didn't want to see you with Tony. I was jealous, Kate. I used rule 12 as a shield, to keep you away. I didn't think I could stand to be hurt again, and moreover, I didn't want to hurt you." I admitted.

She didn't have to say anything. I could hear her soft, phantom thought echo in my mind.

"Oh, Gibbs…" It breathed.

I sighed deeply and watched Kate as she drifted off to sleep again. She looked so peaceful that I couldn't find it in me to disturb her. A few minutes went by and the door to the room opened. Ducky strode in once again. This time he walked over and placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Yes, Dr. Mallard?" I asked.

"Jethro, you should go home and get some rest. I'll sit with Caitlin while you're gone." Ducky suggested.

"I'm fine. You should get some rest, too." I countered.

"I have. You've been here, sitting, keeping silent vigil over our agent Todd for six hours since I last checked on you. Has she come around yet?" Ducky queried.

I couldn't believe that so much time had actually passed until I glanced at my own watch.

"Jethro?" Ducky asked uncertainly.

"What? Oh, yeah. She woke up a little while ago. Will you stay with her while I go get some coffee?" I inquired.

"Of course, take your time." Ducky said.

I nodded and stood up. Ducky took my spot as I walked out of the room. As I made my way to the cafeteria I couldn't help but wonder how Kate really felt. I prayed that she would recover uneventfully, for both our sakes. I grabbed my coffee and made my way back to Kate's room. As I got closer to the recovery ward, I felt a little apprehensive. Now that she knew I loved her, the game was on. How would it affect our friendship, our professional lives? I was left with little time to ponder when I found myself at the door to her room. I entered and almost jumped when I heard Kate's voice.

"Nice to see you again, Gibbs." She said.

"Katie!" I exclaimed.

I walked over to her and smiled. Ducky had removed the breathing tube. The sight and knowledge that her condition was improving was a godsend. Ducky stood and moved to leave the room. He stopped at the door and acknowledged us with a final nod before exiting. I took my place in the chair next to Kate's bed and took her hand again. She gave my hand a quick squeeze. The simple gesture brought tears of joy to my eyes. I couldn't cry, I wouldn't cry. Not in front of Kate. I was simply ecstatic that Kate was getting better. A few seconds passed before Kate broke the companionable silence we had settled into.

"What's on your mind?" Kate asked hoarsely.

"I'm just glad you're okay, Katie." I replied, nearly choking on the affection.

"Don't go getting all sentimental on me, Gibbs." Kate warned jokingly.

"Don't count on it." I replied sarcastically.

"How's Captain Elliot?" Kate inquired.

I was struck by her concern. This was as paradoxical a question as I could have expected. The woman had just been shot and she was concerned about someone else before herself!

"She's fine, if not a little shaken." I answered.

"How about staff sergeant McLeod?" Kate queried.

I was wrong. This was definitely a question that belonged at the extreme end of the paradoxical continuum. I shook off my shock at the question and sighed.

"He's dead. You know that I've trained Tony and McGee to shoot to kill. They responded before you even hit the ground, without hesitation. Nobody messes with my team and gets away with it." I said emphatically.

"Two wrongs don't make a right, Gibbs." Kate said flatly.

"Yeah, but at least I feel all warm and fuzzy inside knowing there's one less homicidal maniac on the loose out there." I replied dryly.

"That was the most tasteless joke I've ever heard. I can't see you as being capable of feeling quote warm and fuzzy, inside or otherwise." Kate laughed.

I raised my eyebrows disbelievingly but I knew she was right. I didn't do 'fuzzy' and I made it well known. Suddenly I felt exhausted. The stress of the past day's events had finally caught up with me. My eyes drifted shut and I yawned. When I opened my eyes again Kate looked at me sympathetically.

"Go home and get some rest, Gibbs. I'm okay now. I'll be here when you get back." Kate said softly.

"I'm fine." I lied unconvincingly.

"Go. You need to get some rest, too. I'll be fine. Really." Kate urged.

I sighed and realized she was right. She was a grown woman, after all, and she hardly needed my protection. Besides, I was useless when I was tired.

"Okay, I'll be back in a few hours." I finally agreed.

I stood up to leave but Kate tugged my arm and pulled me closer to her. I looked into her eyes and saw the desire burning in them. I closed my eyes and leaned in, my lips meeting Kate's. The first thing I felt were the prickles of heat emanating from Kate's soft and supple lips. Delicate as rose petals, her lips fluttered against mine. I could taste the vulnerability on them. I felt like I was choking when we pulled apart, gasping for breath. It was the most passionate moment of my life. Kate smiled contagiously, seductively, and I felt a smile tug at my own lips. I struggled to rein in my emotions and almost choked on my words.

"I'll see you later, Katie." I whispered.

"Yeah…" Kate sighed.

I smiled and ran my hand over her cheek one last time before forcing myself out the door. Out in the hall I let out a contented sigh and walked away from Kate's room. I walked headlong into someone on my way around the corner.

"Watch it!" I snapped.

"Sorry, boss." Tony replied.

"Where are you headed?" I inquired.

"Up to see Kate, you?" Tony countered.

"Home. While I'm gone I don't want her to be alone, so stay with her, DiNozzo. Got it?" I snarled warningly.

"Sure thing, boss." Tony assented.

"Just make sure she gets some rest. I'll be back in a few hours." I ordered.

"Okay." Tony said exasperatedly.

I nodded briskly and strode away. I swore I'd kill him if he laid a hand on her, or even so much as thought about it, for that matter. I made it home but found I couldn't sleep. I worked on the boat for a while before finally collapsing into bed, happy knowing that I'd be seeing Kate again in a few short hours.

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_A.N.: So, what do you think? Like I said, it's my first NCIS story. Roses are red, violets are blue, tell me what you think by clicking review! Jewels_


	2. When Love and Death Embrace

**Beautiful Oblivion**

My first NCIS story. The team is involved in a shoot out in an abandoned warehouse. One member is injured. Love and tragedy are inevitable. Kate/Gibbs romance. The POV is Gibbs'. Please read and review!

_A.N.: This chapter will be tragic for the Kibbs romance, so if you like them as a couple and don't like seeing either of them hurt, read at your own discretion. No flames please, and don't say I didn't warn you... _

Disclaimer: Okay, here it is. I don't own NCIS. Are you happy now? (If it's snappy, well, it wouldn't be the first time I've been accused of being a female Gibbs…)

Chapter 2: When Love And Death Embrace

I awoke with a start.

The wind had picked up and a tree branch was hitting the bedroom window. It sounded like gunfire. Right away my mind jumped to Kate. I looked over at the clock on the bedside table. 3:42 am. The display cast an eerie green glow across the table, making me shudder. I rolled over onto my back and groaned, running a hand over my face. I hadn't slept very long, but I knew I couldn't sleep any more even if I wanted to. I decided to do a few things around the house and then head back to see Kate.

My arm hurt as the shower water ran down over the sutures. The bastard missed me, yet somehow I didn't feel so lucky. A few inches over and I could have taken the bullet for Kate. I should have taken it. I got out of the shower, dressed, and ambled down to my study. My paperwork needed organizing. Desperately. I began to file everything accordingly, but I soon found that I couldn't force myself to concentrate. My mind was on Kate, on us. I found myself asking what us? I knew the only way I would be able to think straight would be to reassure myself that Kate was alright. I decided to call Tony. I picked up the receiver and punched in his cell number. He answered on the third ring.

"Tony." He said.

"DiNozzo, it's Gibbs." I barked.

"Hey boss, what's up?" Tony inquired.

"How's Kate doing?" I asked.

"She's fine. Right now she's sleeping. Ducky gave her something for the pain and it knocked her right out." Tony explained.

"Alright. I'll be back there as soon as I've finished up here." I replied.

"Sure thing. Bye." Tony said.

I hung up and went about organizing again. I finished quickly, made coffee and left for Bethesda. The drive was a short one, but it seemed to take forever to reach the naval hospital. It dragged on even more thanks to the phone call from JAG about what happened in the warehouse. I didn't want to relive it all again so soon, so I scheduled an interview in person for the following afternoon. I reached the hospital, parked my car and jogged up to the intensive care unit. I turned the corner by the nurses' station and was hit with the sounds of shouting and monitors beeping. I ran to Kate's room and burst through the door, striding headlong into Tony. The shouting ceased and I looked at Ducky.

"Time of death, 9:45." Ducky announced.

"No!" I shouted in protest.

I stepped towards Kate but Tony held me back.

"She's gone, boss." He said lightly.

"She was doing fine when I called!" I yelled in outrage.

"She had an allergic reaction to one of the painkillers we gave her. She went into anaphylaxis and… I'm sorry, Jethro." Ducky sighed.

I closed my eyes and sighed. The room slowly emptied, nurses and doctors trickling out and taking their equipment with them. Ducky squeezed my shoulders reassuringly and left, too. Only Tony and I remained in the room with Kate's lifeless body. Tony let go of me and stood aside.

"I'm sorry, boss…" Tony apologized.

"It wasn't your fault." I growled.

It was mine, I thought.

"Are you gonna be okay?" Tony inquired.

"I'll be fine, thanks," I whispered.

Tony nodded and left the room. I walked over to Kate's bed and took hold of her hand. She looked so peaceful, like she was only sleeping. A single tear escaped my eye, flowed down my cheek and landed on my collar. More tears followed the first. I cried for Kate. For the first time in my life I was upset enough to cry. She lost her life because of me. I loved her. I still do, and always will. The guilt washed over my body, hitting me in tidal waves.

Kate was dead and it was all my fault.

I laid my head down against Kate's chest and let the tears flow. Kate was my reason for being so gruff. It was easier to hide behind the harsh exterior and pretend I didn't have feelings for her than it was to show the world that I was as caring as the next guy and open myself up to heartbreak. I cried for our love, which could never grow beyond what it had been a few hours earlier. I cried for a life lost so young. I cried for one of the best field agents I had ever seen.

I sat back against the chair and stared blankly at Kate's pale face. I would never see her smile again. I would never look into those gorgeous, glowing eyes again. I squeezed her hand and stood up. I placed one last kiss on her forehead and left the room.

I found Tony waiting outside the room with Ducky. McGee had also shown up since I had last been outside the room. Tears streaked all of their cheeks. Ducky looked at my sympathetically before stepping over and embracing me. It shocked me, but reassured me at the same time. He pulled away and looked me in the eyes.

"I'm sorry she's gone, Jethro. She was a great agent." Ducky said.

"She really was. You should all go in and see her for a little bit. I'm going back to NCIS. I'll see you later." I said monotonously.

"Are you sure you'll be alright?" McGee inquired.

"I'll be fine. I'll see you later." I said flatly.

They nodded and I walked away. Nothing could stand in the way of love. Nothing but death, that is. It didn't matter to me. I loved her, even though I could never see her again. Never touch her, never joke around again. I realized she would only be gone if I let her be. Well, I wasn't about to let that happen.

I drove to NCIS in silence. I couldn't listen to the radio, knowing that Kate would never hear the music again. I quickly made a call to JAG and rescheduled the interview for a later date. It didn't matter now. McLeod was dead. Kate was dead. What difference would an investigation make now?

When I reached NCIS I walked inside and rode the elevator up to the bullpen. I bumped headlong into Abby on my way out of the elevator. She looked at me with a slightly surprised expression.

"What's up, Gibbs? You look like death on a stick," she commented.

"I just came from the hospital…" I trailed off.

"You should have gotten some sleep. Nothing would have happened if you had left the hospital for a few hours." Abby admonished jokingly.

She obviously hadn't heard about Kate. I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything. After a few seconds Abby took my silence as agreement and went on.

"So how's Kate doing?" She asked nonchalantly.

"She's… Abby, Kate passed away a couple of hours ago." I blurted out.

A momentary flash of shock passed over her face before she sighed apologetically.

"Oh, Gibbs, I'm so sorry. I didn't know…" Abby apologized.

"It's not your fault." I whispered.

It's mine, I wanted to add.

"How did she…?" Abby trailed off.

"An allergic reaction to some pain meds." I deadpanned.

"At least she died peacefully then." Abby said comfortingly.

I nodded slightly and started walking towards my desk. Abby slowly turned on her heel and followed me. I knew she wasn't going to let this go, but somehow, I was grateful. I didn't want to dwell on it alone at the moment. The maelstrom of regrets didn't seem to want to calm down. It dominated my thoughts. Abby sat in the chair opposite my desk and took my hands in hers. It was just what I needed. I was sitting there, bordering on catatonic, but Abby remained silent. I recall thinking she would have made a brilliant counselor. After a few minutes I looked up and met her inquisitive gaze.

"I loved her, Abby. I loved her and I never let myself admit it to her. I finally found the guts to do it and nothing can come of it anyway. I didn't tell her I loved her because I didn't want to get hurt, but it hurt more keeping it to myself. It turns out she loved me back, and we never got the chance to explore that love, and I think that's the most painful heartbreak of all." I said quietly.

"Oh, Gibbs. You still love her, don't you?" Abby asked earnestly.

"Of course I do." I said firmly.

"Well then, why are you heartbroken? She hasn't done anything to make you stop loving her, and she hasn't stopped loving you. She'll be there with you for as long as you love her, and I know that you always will." Abby said philosophically.

I thought her statement over for a minute before realizing she was right. I had known it all along, but I needed to hear it to reassure myself that Kate wasn't gone unless I gave up on her. We sat there for another few minutes before Abby's cell phone rang. She picked up and I only caught one side of the conversation. Before she even finished I knew she had to go. She let go of my hands and stood up to leave.

"Sorry Gibbs, I have to run. Are you gonna be okay?" Abby inquired.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. I'll see you later." I replied.

"Bye," Abby said.

I watched her walk off toward the elevator and then glanced down at my hands. I realized that I would never get the chance to wear a wedding band. I would never get to look down after a long hard day and smile because I was going to spend the rest of my life with Kate. I couldn't sit around anymore, so I decided to go home. That way I could work on the boat and forget about life for a while.

On the way home I wondered whether Kate's family had been informed. She didn't have any next of kin as far as I knew, but if there was anyone then Ducky would take care of it. If he hadn't found anyone by the next day, then I decided I would take care of the funeral arrangements. At least I could give her a proper send off. It was all I could now that I hadn't had the chance to say goodbye.

I got home and threw myself into working on the boat. The pain of manual labor was better than the emotional pain of brooding on Kate's death. I knew I would have to face it sooner or later, but I knew that if I thought about it now I would be overwhelmed. I would let myself grieve after the funeral. After I had everything taken care of. I was snapped out of my reverie by the shrill cry of a telephone. I walked over to the desk and picked up the receiver.

"Gibbs," I said gruffly.

"Hey boss, it's Tony. I wanted to see how you were doing." The young agent said concernedly.

"I'm fine, thanks, Tony." I lied through my teeth.

I knew he wasn't convinced, but to my benefit, he didn't pursue it.

"If you need anything, just call." Tony said lightly.

"Thanks, I will." I replied.

"See you tomorrow." Tony said.

"Bye." I said flatly.

I hung up and realized that I had called him Tony instead of DiNozzo. I realized that I couldn't be jealous of him anymore, because we weren't fighting for the approval of the same woman. Kate's death had complicated everything in my life. I would have to hide my feelings even more now that she was gone, but I wouldn't have to be a jerk to Tony anymore. It was confusing. I knew Tony was suffering, too. So were Ducky, McGee and Abby. I also knew that they knew I was suffering most of all. I tried to hide it, but that just made it more obvious. It was no use trying to hide from my emotions. They would just come back to haunt me with twice the force if I didn't acknowledge them.

I took a hot shower and went to bed. I fell asleep before I had the chance to think a single thought. The stress was too much, and I used sleep as a retreat. I knew I would have to wake up eventually and face the day, but for now I was happy dreaming of Kate's bright smile and expressive eyes. I didn't have to remember that I would never see any of those things again while I slept, and in sleeping I was happiest.

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_A.N.: What do you think? I've never had to write tragedy like this before, so I don't know how I did with writing the whole "Gibbs getting emotional" thing. I hope I managed to keep him in character. I had to extrapolate his reaction to the tragedy from the show. In any case, roses are red, violets are blue, tell me what you think by clicking review! Thanks! Jewels_


	3. Funeral of Hearts

**Beautiful Oblivion**

My first NCIS story. The team is involved in a shoot out in an abandoned warehouse. One member is injured. Love and tragedy are inevitable. Kate/Gibbs romance. The POV is Gibbs'. Please read and review!

Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS and neither do you. Let's all pull an emo; sit in the dark and cry about it. I don't own the poem Funeral Blues either; it belongs to W. H. Auden, one of the most brilliant poets on the face of the planet.

Chapter 3: Funeral Of Hearts

I woke up and reluctantly got out of bed. It was the day of Kate's funeral, and I had taken it upon myself to eulogize her. I missed her terribly, we all did. Thankfully, Ducky, Tony and McGee had been more than willing to be pallbearers alongside me. I showered and dressed quickly before making my way to NCIS. I was meeting the team there. We would mourn her as an agent and a friend publicly. I would mourn her as a lover privately.

I drove to NCIS reciting the eulogy in my head. There was so much that I wanted to say, to tell the world about the Kate that I had fallen so much in love with, but there wasn't nearly enough time in which to say it. I quickly arrived at HQ and realized that it was only 7:30 am. No one would be arriving until 10:00 am. I was just anxious to get through the funeral and get through the day. As I rode the elevator up to the offices I took a deep breath and swore I could still faintly smell Kate's delicate perfume mingling with the dusty elevator odor.

When I reached my floor I stepped off of the elevator into the bullpen. There was a soft white light peeking over the wall of Kate's cubicle. I cocked the gun at my hip and edged toward the desk. When I reached the corner I heard quiet sobs echoing through the room. I stepped around the wall and found Abby sitting at Kate's desk with tears streaming down her cheeks. That's when the loss really hit me for the first time. I knew I wasn't the only one who would miss her, but seeing Abby sitting there, crying, I realized that others shared in my pain and it added to the grief that I already felt.

I strode quietly into the cubicle and crouched down in front of Abby, tears threatening to fall from my own eyes. She jumped slightly when I put my hand on her shoulder, but quickly turned to face me and wrapped her arms around me. I held her there, whispering softly, trying to assure her that everything would be okay. Convincing myself was a whole other matter. After a few minutes Abby's flood of tears slowed to a persistent trickle and she pulled away.

"I'm sorry, Gibbs," Abby sobbed.

"Its okay, Abby," I replied.

"Thanks. I just came in this morning and realized that I can never chat with her again before you throw another case at me. That she can never share in my laughing at Tony for something again. I miss her, Gibbs," Abby said lightly.

"I do, too, but she would have wanted us to go on with our lives and be happy. It's hard, even for me, to ignore the pain of grief, but we have to stay strong and move past this together," I said reassuringly.

Abby nodded barely noticeably. I stepped closer and hugged her again, hoping the sentiment would make up for the difficulty of coping, at least for the moment. We separated and walked over to my desk. It sounds cheesy and cliché for me to say it, but we sat and remembered all the times we had with Kate, both good and bad. It was something that had to be done. If we didn't remember then we couldn't heal. Shortly after, Tony arrived. He looked surprised to see us sitting there, and frankly, I was surprised to see him in early.

"Good morning, boss. Abby," Tony said quietly.

"Good morning. Come sit down," I invited.

I thought about Tony calling me boss and realized that it was now just an unnecessary reminder of my seniority over him. Without Kate around, I didn't have to flaunt my authority, because I didn't have to protect her from him. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. Looking over at Tony, I realized the tears shining in the young agent's eyes.

"How have you been, Tony?" I asked.

"As well as can be expected. I miss having Kate around to quarrel with. I miss all of the jokes, the sarcasm, just everything. It's gonna be hard going on without her." Tony admitted.

"Yeah, and the hardest thing is there's no easy way to say it. There's no way to describe how it's going to be without her. It scares me to admit that I drew on her strength for my own crazy power trips and that now that she's gone I don't know what to do with myself." I said solemnly.

Tony and Abby stared at me open-mouthed. I know they didn't expect what I had said. Hell, I hadn't expected it, but if I didn't get it out in the open I could never live with myself. Admitting it to them was the only way I could admit it to myself. I sighed and ran a hand over my face. I glanced at my watch. It was 9:30 am; the rest of the team would be arriving at any moment. The three of us sat in silence until Ducky and McGee showed up. I stood up to greet them when I heard them step off of the elevator. Ducky and I embraced and I saw the tears shining in the older man's eyes when I stepped back. McGee also looked like he had been crying. They missed Kate, too, but not nearly as much as I missed her. We stood around talking for a few more minutes before heading out to the funeral parlor. My heart raced as I realized that in a short while I would be up at the altar, eulogizing Kate. What would I say? Suddenly I forgot everything I wanted to say to the crowd. There wasn't one thing that I could say from memory; I knew I would have to get it out in a heartfelt but detached impromptu speech. I had to think clearly, otherwise I would end up saying more than I meant to. We arrived at the funeral parlor and stepped inside.

"This is it," Abby said quietly.

At that moment I regretted requesting an open casket service. I didn't know how I would react at seeing Kate laying there. When she had passed away at the hospital, she looked like she had been sleeping, I wondered if the same held true now. I felt a hand on my shoulder, urging me on. I didn't even turn around to see who it was; it didn't matter. I was just grateful for their support. I walked into the room where Kate's coffin lay open in trepidation. The five of us walked down the aisle between the pews toward Kate's casket. As we approached the front I got my first look at Kate's still form. She still looked angelic, as if she was only asleep and would wake up any minute. It was heart wrenching to look at her knowing it was the last time I would be seeing her. We stood silently mourning our loss for a few minutes before taking our seats in the front of the room near the altar. The minister walked up and silenced the dully chattering crowd. I then realized that the room was full to capacity. Friends, some distant family that Ducky had managed to scare up, coworkers and even just passers by were gathered to say their goodbyes. I listened inattentively as the minister droned on.

"Are you ready, boss?" Tony asked.

I snapped out of my reverie and realized it was almost time for me to eulogize. Then we would get a final few moments to see Kate and they would close the lid on her for good. However, that didn't mean they could close the lid on my feelings. The emotions I felt towards Kate couldn't be locked away and buried by something as simple as death. Tears threatened to fall from my eyes but I forced them back. I could cry later, privately, but right now I had to focus so I could get through this. It was my last rational thought before the minister waved me up to the podium. I felt like I had attempted to swallow a tennis ball and it was now sitting on top of my larynx. I cleared my throat and allowed my lips to form the words that would be Kate's goodbye to the world.

"Most of what I'm going to say about Kate has probably crossed all of your minds at one point or another. She was the best field agent I have ever had the honor of working alongside. Special Agent Todd was determined, motivated and intelligent. However, there's more to this story than just Kate's professional life. She was also a close friend. She found a way into my heart easily and kept me close when I pushed her away. I've never admitted it to anyone before, and I only admitted it to Kate at the last minute, but I loved her. She touched the heart of every person she met, and left a lasting impression. Now, all we have is the memories, the phantom feelings of warmth and happiness, of the aura of level headedness she always carried with her. We must mourn her, as a coworker, a sister, a daughter, a friend, but most importantly a saint. She will live on in us forever. God bless your soul, Kate," I said somberly.

On my way down from the altar, I took one last look at Kate's still form. The silhouette of her slender frame would follow me everywhere. I would see her out of the corner of my eye at work, in the back of my mind at home. I stopped at her casket and placed a kiss on her forehead. As I stood, a lone tear fell from my eye and landed on the creamy contour of her cheek. I brushed it away and went to take my seat. I felt numbed to the core. The minister returned to the altar and said a final blessing before Kate's casket was closed forever. Ducky, McGee, Tony and I readied ourselves to carry the weight of her death on our shoulders. I had asked them to be the pallbearers for Kate's funeral, and they readily agreed, much to my relief. The pain of loss sat heavily on my chest, almost suffocating me. I looked around at the others and saw the sadness in their eyes, too.

We carried the coffin from the church to the hearse, slowly dragging our feet, each step more difficult than the last. The procession to the cemetery was slow and mournful. Once we reached the cemetery, Tony, McGee, Ducky and I again carried the casket, only this time we carried it to its final resting place. We gathered around the grave and looked down at our feet. There was nothing to be said, yet so much to be expressed. I closed my eyes and swallowed the lump that was building in my throat, trying to remember the poem that would be Kate's sendoff. The minister again said a few quick words of blessing and I stepped up to the podium. I closed my eyes, picturing the words, forcing myself to say them aloud.

"Funeral Blues seems like the most appropriate title for the way I feel. This is my goodbye to Kate. It is the same poem that is printed on the tombstone. It's the best way for us to remember her," I said.

I cleared my throat again before speaking, my voice cracking with emotion.

"Funeral Blues, by W. H. Auden.

_Stop the clocks, cut off the telephone,  
__Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,  
__Silence the pianos and with muffled drum  
__Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.  
__Let Airplanes circle moaning overhead,  
__Scribbling on the sky the message She Is Dead  
__Put crepe paper bows round the white necks of the public doves,  
__Let traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.  
__She was my North, my South, my East and West,  
__My working week and my Sunday rest,  
__My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;  
__I thought that love could last forever; I was wrong.  
__The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;  
__Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;  
__Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,  
__For nothing now can ever come to any good.  
_

Goodbye, Kate.Rest in peace," I finished.

Ducky gave me a reassuring pat on the back as I rejoined the group. Each and every person in the crowd was in tears. Tony held Abby close to him and whispered reassurances as sobs racked her body. This was going to affect us all differently for the next while. When the minister was finished blessing Kate for the journey into the afterlife everyone slowly cleared off. Only the five of us remained at the gravesite. We stood back and each of us had a chance to walk up and place our flowers on the grave, then say a few final words. I stayed behind, there was nothing left for me to say. There was just an unspoken covenant. The promise of eternal love and remembrance.

That day we all drove to our respective homes in silence. Knowing that I could never share the light of a sunrise, the warmth of a fire in the hearth, or even the chill of the frosty night air with Kate again made me want to detach myself from the world. I could so easily pull the plug, but I wouldn't let myself. I had the rest of the team to support me to get through this, and they needed my support, too. The day passed slowly and I sat in the study, motionless, thinking. I soon decided that a few hours of sleep would suffice before I would return to the bullpen. At least when I slept I could be closer to Kate than my conscious mind would ever allow me to be. Maybe one day I would come to terms with Kate's passing, but at that moment, that day was nowhere in sight.

* * *

_A.N.: What did you think? I've never had anyone die on me before, so I don't know how most people would react. This is my opinion of how Gibbs would react if he ever allowed himself to love again. Tell me what you think, please review! Thanks to all my readers, I love you guys! -Julia-_


	4. Heartache Every Moment

**Beautiful Oblivion**

My first NCIS story. The team is involved in a shoot out in an abandoned warehouse. One member is injured. Love and tragedy are inevitable. Kibbs romance. The POV is Gibbs'. Please read and review!

Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS, which sucks, because sometimes I'm convinced I could come up with better storylines than TPTB. That and I'd put Kate with Tony and get it over with.

Chapter 4: Heartache Every Moment

I walked into the bullpen the Monday after Kate's funeral. It was still early in the morning. Rain was pouring from the grey clouds that hung low over the city outside. The weather betrayed my mood. I sat at my desk and flipped unseeingly through a few case files as I waited for someone else to show up. It was quite in the bullpen, which I was grateful for at the moment, but the bustling chaos of another day would be a welcome change from the sounds of my guilt ringing in my ears, the only sound I had heard for days. I glanced at my watch, 8:58 am. Staff would start arriving momentarily, grateful for the warming dryness of the indoors. I could see how the day would be off to a sluggish start with the torrent outside drowning any and all aspirations of accomplishment for the day. The silence in the bullpen was growing too loud, so I decided to go down to the morgue and check to see if Ducky had gotten in yet.

The elevator ride down to the basement was a slow one. The walls seemed to be closing in on me. I took a deep breath and sighed, waiting for the elevator doors to open. As I stepped off of the elevator into the morgue, I noticed the lights in the autopsy room were still off. Ducky wasn't in yet. I turned to head upstairs when I heard the elevator doors slide open again. I spun around and almost crashed into Ducky. He looked just as disheveled as I felt.

"Good morning, Jethro. Lovely weather we're having, isn't it?" He asked jokingly.

"Yeah, if you're a duck. No pun intended," I replied with false humor.

"Was there something in particular you needed this morning, agent Gibbs? You seem to have a bee in your bonnet," Ducky said pointedly.

"I wanted to ask you something about Kate," I said hoarsely.

It still hurt to talk about her. It probably always would.

"Of course, please, come into my office," Ducky suggested.

I nodded and followed the older man into a side room. I took a seat in the chair across from Ducky's desk and watched him hang his coat and bustle around the room for a moment before sitting down behind his desk. He leaned forward and looked at me sternly. I knew he was sizing me up, trying to pry slivers of information from my countenance. I closed the blinds and cleared my throat before speaking.

"Tell me again how Kate died," I said slowly.

Ducky laced his hands together and sighed.

"Anaphylaxis; an allergic reaction to the fentanyl, the pain medication we gave her." He said simply.

"What I don't understand is why you didn't check her medical records to be sure she wasn't allergic to any drugs before administering anything." I said harshly.

"Jethro, I assure you that I checked Caitlin's medical records extensively to ensure no such allergy, but she was never previously given fentanyl and it was the only medication that would quell the pain she felt from the chest tubes, so I administered the drug. The allergy is extremely rare, so I took that chance. We tried to save her but it was too late and the dosage was too high. I'm sorry, Jethro." Ducky explained.

"It's not your fault, Dr. Mallard. It could have happened to anyone." I said lightly.

I hadn't realized it had been an honest mistake. All this time I blamed Ducky. Hell, it was easier than blaming myself. I closed my eyes and allowed myself a moment of quiet mourning for Kate. It was nobody's fault and that just made it harder for me to accept. I sat still for a few more seconds before standing up to leave.

"Thanks, Duck. I just needed to be sure there was nothing that could have been done to save her. I'll see you later," I said solemnly.

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Jethro," Ducky said sympathetically.

I nodded and left the office. As I stood in the elevator I could have sworn I wasn't alone. I felt like I could turn around at any time and see Kate walking up behind me carrying a case file or antagonizing Tony. I knew the whole story now, but somehow I still felt guilty and responsible for Kate's death. I figured I probably couldn't even begin to fathom how Ducky felt. He, however, was much better at hiding it. I reached my desk and sat down, rubbing a hand over my tired eyes. The sleep deprivation was really catching up with me. At that same moment I heard footsteps just outside of my cubicle. My head snapped up and I had almost convinced myself it was Kate before actually opening my eyes and meeting Tony's concerned gaze.

"You okay, boss?" Tony asked lightly.

"Yeah, I'm fine Tony. What did you need?" I replied.

"Nothing, I just came to see if you were okay," Tony said simply.

I didn't know what to say. Seeing that Tony was capable of sympathy like this almost made me choke on more tears. I nodded slowly and smiled briefly.

"Get back to work, DiNozzo," I said mock-seriously.

"If you need me I'll be right over there," Tony said warmly.

I nodded and watched him as he stalked off back to his own desk. He was a good agent and, if given the chance, would probably be a great friend. However, no matter how much I thought about it, I couldn't allow myself to open up to him. I was still licking the old wounds. He spent so much more time with Kate than I did and it was all because of me and my idiotic theories about personal lives interfering with professional ones. Rule 12 ruined my life.

'Way to go, Gibbs, you've gone and dug yourself a shallow grave,' I thought to myself.

At least in a shallow grave I was closer to Kate than otherwise. No, I refused to think that way. I couldn't be so pessimistic. After all, Kate would have wanted me to move on with my life. Still, it was easier to wallow in self-pity than it was to go out and face the real world with a smile on my face. That got me thinking that everything in life is a choice. However, if that was true, than why did Kate take death over life? Was there something I could have done differently in those last few precious hours that would have changed the outcome of this battle?

With that I had waged a war against fate. I had to backtrack and do a little investigating. What was it about me that had forced Kate to choose death, if it really was her choice? I could assume nothing, but I did anyway. After all, assumptions usually led to the best and most logical conclusions. That and all things being equal, the simplest explanation tends to be the right one. I decided that choosing death rather than it being divine intervention was the simplest. Besides, Occam's razor had never let me down before, why would things be any different now? I sat there and drank the last of my coffee trying to put an end to the seemingly endless train of thought I had managed to derail and splinter into a million useless though devastating shards. I glanced at my watch and realized it was already lunch. I looked out the window and noticed it was still pouring outside. I grabbed the spare umbrella I kept in my desk drawer and decided to go for a walk to get my mind off of things for a while. I took the stairs down to the lobby and on the way down I stopped on the landing by Abby's lab. Her music was blaring and I stopped to listen to the lyrics for a moment.

_Love's icy tomb  
Dug open for you  
Lies in a cemetery that may use my name  
Love's fiery tomb__  
From me to you  
Rips your heart out and leaves you bleeding with  
A smile on your face  
Heal me  
I begged and love said no  
Leave me  
For dead and let me go  
Kill me  
I cried and love said no  
Kill me  
I cried and love said no_

Was the entire world out to get me? It sure felt like it sometimes. Especially on days like these. I continued walking down the stairs until I reached the front doors to the building. I walked outside and inhaled the damp air. I walked briskly down the path into the park across the street from the building. The gale force wind ripped the umbrella out of my grasp and whipped rain against my face. I pressed on without looking back. After a half an hour of walking relentlessly I stopped to take a breath. My lungs were burning from the cold air and tears mixed with the raindrops that ran in rivulets down my face. I headed back to NCIS in hopes of being able to there get my mind off of Kate but to no avail. I got back and realized that there were still no new cases. So much for that. Tony shot me a curious glance when he realized I was sopping wet.

"What happened to you?" Tony inquired.

"My umbrella got away but I figured hell, a little water never hurt anyone," I replied sarcastically.

I grabbed some spare clothes from my desk drawer and walked away before Tony could question me further. As I was changing I wondered what I could be doing instead had Kate survived the shooting. It was painful but somehow the more I thought about her, the better I felt… most of the time. I walked back to my desk and sat down at the computer. I stared blankly at the screen and realized that for a split seconds I hadn't thought about Kate. Just thinking about that made me feel like I was forgetting her already. I couldn't let that happen. She had only been gone a short while and I was already forgetting the small details. The way the sunlight glinted off of her soft mahogany hair and piercing green eyes, the sharp edge to her words, even her bright, effervescent smile. I hung my head and let a tear fall. Almost as quickly as I had given in to the impulse I snapped out of it.

The day passed slowly and the whole time my mind was filled with Kate. Everything somehow reminded me of her. I sped home after work and collapsed on the couch. I mourned for her deeply. So deeply, in fact, that the tears refused to flow. I had lost more than just a friend, an agent and a lover. I had lost a part of my own soul. The rain outside continued to fall ceaselessly. The rain inside of my heart thundered and resounded against my love for her. It was still there, still solid and nothing could change that.

That night I finally fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion. Nothing could have kept me awake. Though I fell asleep, my sleep was disturbed and shadowed by nightmares. I was haunted even subconsciously by Kate's ghost. I tossed fitfully while I slept but wouldn't allow myself to wake up…

* * *

_A.N. How was that chapter? A little short, yes, but I couldn't think, I had one particularly tough case of writer's block. The lyrics used above are from And Love Said No by HIM (His Infernal Majesty). The title of each chapter is also a song title from HIM. I probably should have mentioned that in my disclaimer but oh well. At least I'm mentioning it now. Please review and I promise the next one will be up sooner. Thanks to all of you who have reviewed so far-Julia-_


	5. Endless Dark

**Beautiful Oblivion**

This is my first NCIS story. The team is involved in a shootout in an abandoned warehouse and one member is critically injured. Love and tragedy are inevitable. This is a tearjerker death fic. Kibbs romance in Gibbs' POV. Please read and review!

Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS; it belongs to DPB. I don't own the poem at the beginning, which is centered on the page in italics, either. It belongs to AFI. The quote from Gibbs' book doesn't belong to me either, it's from the bible; Corinthians, to be specific. I don't own the song Gibbs hears on the radio in Abby's lab. It's called Imaginary by Evanescence. Cheers!

Chapter 5: Endless Dark

Kate stood in front of me, her face shadowed by a veil. The skin on her arms was deathly pale and the red fabric of her dress clung to her body tightly. I ran toward her but she moved further and further away with each step I took. She floated soundlessly over the ground. Suddenly I stopped moving. I couldn't force myself to go on so instead I looked up at Kate pleadingly. Her head snapped up and she whispered pained words hoarsely.

"_We held hands on our last night on earth.  
__Our mouths filled with dust, we kissed in the fields and under trees  
__Screaming like dogs, bleeding dark into the leaves.  
__It was empty on the edge of town but we knew everyone floated  
__Along the bottom of the river.  
__So we walked through the waste where the road curved into the sea and  
__The shattered seasons lay and the bitter smell of burning was  
__On you like a disease.  
__In our cancer of passion you said;  
_"_Death is a midnight runner."  
__The sky had come crashing down like the news of an intimate suicide.  
__We picked up the shards and formed them into shapes of stars that wore like an  
__Antique wedding dress.  
__The echoes of the past broke like the hearts of the unborn as  
__The ferris wheel silently slowed to a stop.  
__The few insects skittered away in hopes of a better pastime.  
__I kissed you at the apex of the maelstrom and asked  
__If you would accompany me in a quick fall,  
__But you made me realize that my ticket wasn't for two.  
__I rode alone.  
__You said,  
_"_The cinders are falling like snow."  
__There is poetry in despair and we sang with unrivaled beauty,  
__Bitter elegies of savagery and eloquence.  
__Of blue and grey.  
__Strange, we ran down desperate streets and carved our names in the  
__Flesh of the city.  
__The sun was stagnated somewhere beyond the rim of the horizon and  
__The darkness is a mystery of curves and lines.  
__Still, we lay under emptiness and drifted slowly outward and  
__Somewhere in the wilderness we found  
__Salvation scratched into the earth like a message…"_

I found myself gasping for air as I fought a losing battle against asphyxiation. I knew death was upon me and the fear was what was pushing me to fight. I watched in horror as Kate shrank back into the shadows of a forest filled with white trees. I tried to call out but my voice had been rendered useless. It was as if some unseen hand was slowly closing around my throat forcing me into the blackness. Finally I found I could fight no longer. I allowed myself to be drawn through the curtain between the worlds of the living and the dead. I sunk into the ground down to oblivion and felt myself being enveloped by the earth. My muscles protested every movement I attempted to make. I felt my heart slow to a stop as I exhaled my last just before I was swallowed by the ground…

I jerked awake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat with my heart racing and struggling to catch my breath. This particular nightmare had been haunting me since the day of Kate's funeral. I stood up and wandered around the house wishing that I would be allowed to sleep dreamlessly for just one night. Insomnia was looking better and better as an alternative. I was up most of the night trying to fall back asleep anyway. Even after drowning my sorrows in a cup of red eye the signs of sleep deprivation were visible. Even Abby and Tony were beginning to get concerned. Ducky suggested talking things over with someone, which meant he wanted me to open up to him. I knew he couldn't be sure of what those 'things' were, but he knew something wasn't right. The man had an amazing sixth sense. Right then I found myself regretting ever teaching my team how to recognize when someone was lying. They were getting too good at it.

I yawned widely and flicked on the coffeepot. I needed to clear my head and take my mind off of the sanguine images that haunted my subconscious. I sauntered over to the bedroom and opened the top drawer in the armoire across from the foot of my bed. I pulled out a dusty old leather-bound book. It was small and very dear to me. It was full of poems, quotes, thoughts and miscellaneous doodles. On of my ex-wives had given it to me as a wedding gift. It was her mother's. Though my ex-wife and I hadn't gotten along very well, her mother and I got along famously. She told me to keep the book as a reminder of her after the divorce. I opened the book and flipped to a bookmarked page. I sighed and read the quote.

"_Love is always patient and kind;  
__It is never jealous,  
__Love is never boastful or conceited;  
__It is never rude or selfish;  
__It does not take offense and is not resentful.  
__Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in the truth;  
__It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes.  
__Love does not come to an end."_

I gazed unseeingly at the page for a few minutes, contemplating, before the aroma of the fresh coffee reached my senses. I closed the book and stowed it away again before heading back into the kitchen. If love was supposed to be all of what the book described, than was what I had for Kate really love? I mean, I was jealous of her and Tony's 'brother and sister' love. I wondered if one element was missing if it could still accurately be described as love. Hell, there was no other word to sum up what I felt for Kate. Love was personal and meant something different to each and every person. What I had with Kate was still love.

It was then that I realized even if I did succeed in getting rid of the nightmares it would be a pyrrhic defeat. Losing Kate was a negative that far outweighed all of the positives, however one composed them. I sighed and realized that the nightmare combined with the coffee wouldn't allow me to sleep any longer. Considering it was five o'clock it wasn't much of a loss. I had to be at work by seven anyway. I rubbed my tired eyes before sauntering over to the bathroom. I took a quick, cold shower to wake myself up and got dressed. It had only taken me half an hour so I still had an hour and a half to kill. An hour and twenty minutes if I discounted the time it would take me to get to work. Thankfully not many people were on their way to work at seven in the morning on a Saturday. I decided to write a few thoughts of my own into the leather bound journal I had stowed away in the armoire. After all, even when fighting a losing battle the pen was mightier than the sword. I pulled out the book and set it on the desk in the study, flipping to a fresh page. My pen touched the paper and I wrote the first thing that came to mind.

_Joie de vive._

Or rather a lack thereof. I remembered how happy Kate used to be. How much she enjoyed living life despite the stress that came with the job. Visions of her smiling face filled my mind and I shut the book again. I put it back in the armoire and wandered into the kitchen. It was no use. No matter how much I tried to get out some of my feelings and sort through them I couldn't do it. It was supposed to get easier to move on with time, but if anything it was just getting harder. I glanced at my watch and realized I still had an hour before I had to be at NCIS. I decided to get there early anyway.

I drove more slowly than I was used to on the way to work. It gave me time to compose myself. I stopped at Starbucks to pick up some coffee and then headed straight for NCIS. I parked my car and headed into the building. As I headed for the staircase I heard a voice echoing through the hallway, calling my name. I turned around and saw that Ducky had arrived seconds after I had. I waited as the coroner walked up to me.

"Good morning, Jethro," Ducky said cheerfully.

"Hey Duck," I replied.

"I see you're here early as well. Since there's not much you can do until the rest of the team arrives why don't you come down to the morgue and we can talk," Ducky suggested.

I nodded and followed him down the stairs to the basement. The autopsy room was cold and had an eerie feel to it in the dark. Ducky flicked on the lights and immediately the room was bathed in a bright orangey light. I looked around the room while Ducky walked to his office to put away his belongings. By the time he returned I had made myself comfortable on one of the cold metal dissection tables. I laid there and stared up at the ceiling, blinking away the intrusive light. I heard Ducky bustling around and preparing for another day of work.

"So why _are _you here so early, Jethro?" Ducky inquired.

"I couldn't sleep any longer," I admitted.

After all, it was what Ducky wanted; for me to be able to open up to somebody. I knew that though I felt like I was burdening him with my problems he would gladly bear the weight of the world on his shoulders for me. I thanked God and decided that I didn't deserve to have friends as good as the ones I did but that I was glad I had lucked out anyway. Just then Ducky spoke again and jolted me out of my reverie.

"Insomnia, Jethro?" Ducky asked.

"Nightmares," I stated simply.

"Do you want to talk about them?" Ducky queried.

"Not particularly. On the other hand I know that I should and that if I don't talk to you you'll coerce someone else into harassing it out of me, so I will," I commented.

I looked over at Ducky and received and encouraging nod from the older man. I closed my eyes and tried replay the nightmare in my head. I remembered it perfectly but I was blocking out the visual effects. Sometimes I hated my brain. It had no right to block things from my memory without my permission. I sighed and began to describe the nightmare vividly from my memory.

"It starts off where I'm walking in complete darkness. I can't even see my own hands. It's almost like I'm just a floating pair of eyes. After I walk a ways I see Kate. Her face is hidden behind a veil and her skin is deathly pale. I start to run after her but she moves away from me too quickly. Suddenly she stops and I stop and she looks up at me. Her voice is hoarse when she speaks and the only thing words she says are some kind of a poem. It's about death and suicide. When she's finished I start to choke. I know I'm gonna die and I look to Kate for help but she draws away from me and disappears. The ground starts to open up and swallow me as I choke to death. I can't even move to save myself. The last thing before I wake up is always me taking my last breath and feeling my heart stop. Every time it happens I wake up and think I'm dead. I end up having to check my pulse or slap myself or something to make sure I'm actually still alive. I feel like I've faced death up close and personal and I can't close my eyes because the image of Kate is still burned into my retinas. After that I can't fall asleep again because of the adrenaline rush I get when I jolt awake," I explained slowly, painfully.

I continued to look up at the ceiling. I couldn't look Ducky in the eyes. I knew the sympathy I would find in them would be enough to convince me that the nightmares are justified. That wasn't the justification I needed. I needed the justification of love. After all, I was the only one who loved her enough to die for her be it in a dream or otherwise. Still there was that knowledge that I didn't want to die willingly. Did that mean I didn't really love her? Or was it just that in the dream I was convinced she was my saving grace and at the last moment she was failing me? No, if anything I was failing her by not fighting enough for my life. I allowed a single tear to trickle down my cheek and splash onto the cold metal table. Finally I gathered up the courage to glance over at Ducky. He stood looking at me unblinkingly his eyes devoid of sympathy. I was thankful that Ducky understood that sympathy was the last thing I needed. Okay, second last. The last was pity.

"It's normal to have nightmares after facing a tragedy. I only hope that talking about it helps you to put the past behind you. After all, you can't change the past but you can be optimistic about the future. I'm not sure how long it will take but I can promise you that this will pass, Jethro," Ducky said reassuringly.

I sat up on the table and swung my legs over the edge. I hopped down and turned to leave the room. I paused in the doorway to speak.

"Thanks for listening," I said quietly albeit sincerely.

I could feel Ducky's words more than I could hear them.

"Any time, Jethro," he whispered.

The bullpen was still relatively quiet when I arrived from the morgue. The mechanical whirr of the air conditioners could be heard in the background. I sat down at my desk and flipped pointlessly through a month old case file. I figured there had to be a way to stop the nightmares but I wasn't letting myself see it. I guessed I was being blinded by grief. I could never end this vicious cycle if I couldn't think clearly. To think clearly I needed Kate alive. Without her I couldn't focus. I couldn't leave all of the petty details to someone else while I figured things out. There was no one to draw inspiration from. Without her watching my six with her SIG-Sauer drawn I couldn't sit still and just contemplate. My life had been immensely complicated by her death and I still felt as though I was to blame for everything that had transpired.

I had only been antagonizing myself a short while before Tony and McGee sauntered into the bullpen. Tony looked as though he hadn't slept in ages, either. So did McGee, as a matter of fact. I sighed and turned to face them.

"Morning, Tony. McGee," I said stiffly. "Wow, you guys look like death on a stick."

Tony and McGee regarded me silently for a moment before reciprocating my appraising look.

"You're not looking too great, either, boss," Tony said cautiously. "You sure you're alright? I could go grab you some coffee…" He added as an afterthought.

I realized then that I had put the fear of God in him over the past few years. It wasn't necessary for me to treat him as an inferior anymore. We were equal in every way and I had always known that, but I had also always wanted Kate's approval. I had wanted for her to hold me in higher regard than Tony. It had taken me far too long to realize that I loved her and even then it hurt to know it had been through pain and guilt. Again I wondered whether it was actually love or just guilt. My soul longed for the opportunity of repentance to present itself.

"No thanks," I said quickly.

Not even the caffeine could pick me up on a day like this. I turned back to face the computer and briefly let my grief show. I recovered almost as quickly and got down to typing. I was still wrapping up bits and pieces of staff sergeant McLeod's case. It normally took a fifth of the time because I had Tony and McGee, as well as Kate, to help. That and I didn't have to face the pain and loathing I felt every time I saw that murderous beast's name.

I had finished typing another report and sank deeper into my chair. I felt strangely vulnerable without Kate around. She was truly my better half. Odd how easy it was for me to admit that to myself. Kate could pick up the details while I kept my finger on the pulse of the case. I found that she had been responsible for the majority of the work while I had only involved myself where it was convenient or necessary. Without Kate I was going to be buried alive within another week and then where would I be? Out of a job and wishing I was dead suffering from post-traumatic stress. I was snapped out of my trance by a soft background voice.

"I don't think that's such a good idea. Maybe you should just let him get through this on his own," McGee said sotto voce.

He was talking to Tony. About me. I shook my head and grinned weakly at McGee's attempt to save his and Tony's skins. I didn't know why he was so intimidated by me. It wasn't like I wanted to give off that kind of image. Not since I didn't need to watch Kate's six anymore, anyway. Again I contemplated how I was lucky enough to have friends like Tony. I decided it must have been good karma. It looked like Tony had won the argument since I found him walking over when I looked up again. He reached my desk and looked at me with an assessing gaze, his hands knotted in front of him.

"Hey boss," Tony began.

I didn't let him finish his sentence before interrupting.

"Stop calling me boss, Tony. Call me Gibbs. Or Jethro, if you're feeling lucky," I said jokingly in hopes of lightening the mood.

"Sorry, Gibbs. I was wondering if you wanted to come to lunch. McGee stood me up at the last minute and I thought you might want to get out of here for a while," Tony said questioningly.

I sighed and thought about it for a minute. There was no work to be done until another case came in so I didn't really have a good excuse to say no. I figured that Tony could use the company as much as I could to keep his mind off of Kate, so I agreed and decided to head home straight after lunch. After all, I needed the sleep. When opportunity knocks, I invite it in.

"Sure. McGee, you can have the day off. Not much we can do until we get a case to work on. I'll see you tomorrow morning," I said lightly.

Tony nodded and grabbed his stuff before we left, too. We walked down the stairs past Abby's lab. I walked in to tell her to take the day off and tell Ducky to ship out, too. I was assailed by loud music the second I opened the door.

_I linger in the doorway of  
__Alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name  
__Let me stay  
__Where the wind will whisper to me  
__Where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story_

Again the impulsive thought of spite reached my head. The world was caving in around me. Everywhere I turned blame was being laid on me in one way or another. Guilt tracked me like a phantom; hiding in the shadows whenever I turned to face it head on. I walked over to Abby and tapped her shoulder to get her attention. She nearly jumped out of her skin at my touch.

"Gibbs! You scared me!" Abby admonished.

"Sorry, Abbs. I just wanted to tell you that you can take the rest of the day off. There are no new cases so there's not much we can do. Call Ducky and tell him to take the rest of the day, too," I instructed.

One of the old, pre-Kate's death smiles lit up Abby's features. I saw the tiniest glimmer of hope when I looked at her and thought that maybe, just maybe, things would turn out okay after all. I smiled at her one last time before walking back to where Tony was waiting for me on the staircase. I wondered about the recent dramatically decreased influx of cases. Why couldn't someone die when it was convenient? When I needed some kind of a distraction to put an end to my seemingly endless contemplation and fitful sleep. Tony and I reached the parking lot and decided to meet at Rigoletto's for lunch.

The drive to the restaurant was devoid of music. I couldn't even hear the robotic whirr of the car's engine or the monotonous flow of traffic sounds outside of the car over my jumbled thoughts. Trying to sort things out was not an option. All I could do was pray that things would arrange themselves. I quickly reached the restaurant and waited inside for Tony to arrive.

We chatted arbitrarily over lunch. I had never really thought about the kinds of things I could talk to DiNozzo about. After all, it used to be I had to shout to get a word in edgewise when he was engaged in bantering with Kate. The only things we ever really said to each other were dependant on professional matters. It was mostly me kibitzing over his shoulder on a case. Otherwise it was irrelevant, inane chatter. Topics like the weather, the economy and current events were popularly dominant. It was I who finally took the first step in instigating a deeper, more personal conversation, negating the need for us to feel awkward and uncomfortable in the circumstances. I was both shocked by and thankful for Tony's reluctance to talk about Kate as much as my own. I figured he probably wanted to get his mind off of her as well.

"You've taken to looking like a zombie lately, Tony. I know I probably don't look any better, but I'm wondering what's gotten your feathers all ruffled. I mean, if this keeps up, people are going to start wondering about us and about whether we've finally driven each other insane," I joked.

I was glad for the open ended choice of conversational topic. I decided to let Tony voice some colloquial opinions rather than thoughts. I laughed lightly and looked at Tony. His young features were marred by pain and fear. The dark circles under his eyes were in stark contrast to his paling skin. Kate had been his kryptonite as much as she'd been mine. Still was mine, actually, and probably always would be.

"No, I think they'd wonder why neither of us was getting any sleep, they'd peg us both for unattached and put two and two together," he said feebly.

Tony DiNozzo, always the joker. I laughed at his weak attempt at humor. He seemed more able to form rational responses and witty comebacks than I was. We talked for a while longer and left the restaurant. In the parking lot we stood by our respective cars. I watched as Tony unlocked his door and moved to get into the car. Before he had the chance I called out to him.

"Tony, remember that if there's anything you need to talk about I'm always here. Even if it's in the middle of the night. Odds are I won't be asleep anyway," I called sincerely.

Tony smiled wanly and I could almost feel rather than see the tears stinging his eyes.

"Thanks, Gibbs," he replied gratefully.

It was like I had had an epiphany. It scared me. Suddenly I was showing a whole other side of myself to my coworkers. A side of me I myself didn't know existed until recently. I was offering counsel to my team. I was seeing the man that used to threaten me more than a psychopath with a magnum as a saving grace. It was becoming a sickly twisted alternate dimension type world. My life had gone twilight zone on me.

I got home and climbed into the shower. The hot water cascading over my stiff neck and shoulders eased some of my pain and allowed tension to seep from my body and disappear down the drain. I was trying not to think about the pain. I focused instead on counting the number of tiles in the shower wall. The task had soon lost its entertainment and I turned off the tap. After drying off I changed into a comfortable pair of sweats and a t-shirt. I collapsed on the couch and stared blindly at the wall. Kate's smiling face floated through my mind and this time I smiled rather than being reminded of the grief I felt. A weight had been lifted from my soul. It wasn't much but it was a start. The self-loathing ebbed from my body and was replaced with acceptance. I closed my eyes and felt Kate's memory touch the most intimate corners of my soul. I allowed her into my heart and decided to get out some of what I felt.

"Hey Kate. I don't know if you can hear me, but I'm saying this in hopes that you can. I still love you and I probably always will. I feel like I'm losing my mind, asking you for guidance. I need your help. I mean, how can I know what your last thoughts were. On me, on you, on us. I can't stop thinking and dreaming about you. I can't let it interfere with my life any more, but I can't help it. You left me hanging. Not that I blame you. I just want to be sure that I didn't do anything to discourage you from hanging on. Katie, I'm breaking down. Physically, emotionally, spiritually breaking down. I can't take a breath without hating myself for it. For being able to breathe when that precious gift was taken from you. I can't look into Abby's eyes without seeing the daggers that are piercing her fragile soul. She lost a sister in you, Katie. I'm letting myself cry over you because it's the only way I know how to express the things I can't say or can't think. Please, Katie, help me to let go of this melee of emotions and live my life again. I can't believe I'm going to say this but please, help me to let go of you…" I trailed off.

Tears flowed freely down my face and I had to stop and allow the sobs to rack my body. I so badly wanted an answer that I had conned myself into believing I would get one in some form or another.I sat there expectantly and I immediately began to berate myself for wanting to let go of her memory. It was the only way I knew how to move on. I had to forget all of the emotion, the love and the detail that went with her. Until then I knew I couldn't find peace. After all, I had heard once that admission was the first step towards healing. Here was my admission. I didn't want to love Kate any longer. It was a choice I would die rather than make, but I couldn't think that way. I didn't understand what had happened to my love for Kate. It was still there, ever present, ever obstructive and ever vigilant. Suddenly the emotional exhaustion overwhelmed me and I felt myself being drawn into sleep again. The same way I felt I was being drawn into death in my dreams. I allowed it to happen and felt myself let go. If this was death, it wasn't so bad. Unfortunately I knew that I would soon be woken by yet another nightmare. However, I treasured the precious few hours of uneventful sleep I could get.

Sleep was the counterfeit of death and I was willing accept that as my only choice for the time being…

_A.N.: Okay, this was a very emotional chapter. I admit I cried writing Gibbs' monologue, well, sort of monologue, where he talks to Katenear the end. I used a lot of poetic material that I feel serves justice to this chapter. Tell me what you think. Please review! Thanks! -Julia-_


	6. Prelude to Tragedy

**Beautiful Oblivion**

This is my first NCIS story. The team is involved in a shootout in an abandoned warehouse and one member is critically injured. Love and tragedy are inevitable. Warning; tearjerker character death fic. Kibbs in Gibbs' POV. Please review!

Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS, but then again you know that by now.

Chapter 6: Prelude to Tragedy

I was in a depression chokehold, I realized. My mood had escalated from sheer melancholy to heart wrenching despair to this. Ducky had noticed the change which was how I had ended up sitting on one of his cold metal tables listening to him lecture me on the repercussion of depression to what I was sure would be the twelfth of never. The man was too damn moralistic for his own good. Too moralistic to let me wallow in my guilt alone. His words barely registered in my mind, but he didn't seem phased. I guess he's used to dealing with hopeless cases after working with NCIS for so long. After all, I wasn't the first agent to break down in front of him, I knew that. I was just another one of the staff that had succumbed to the guilt of an only human mistake. I was jerked out of my pondering when Ducky's voice increased in volume.

"You are a bona fide ignorant, Jethro. First you don't want to acknowledge your depression even though the symptoms are very literally etched into the lines of your face. Now that I've finally connived you into facing it, you don't have the consideration to listen. The only way you can ever hope to get past this pain is if you let someone else carry some of it for you. You cannot just simply wish for something like Stockholm syndrome to happen. Talk to me, Jethro. Talk and I'll listen. But you must accept that there are those two sides to communication. If you talk then I will listen, but you must listen when I talk, as well. I've said all I needed to say," Ducky admonished harshly.

It was exactly what I needed to push me into spilling my soul. Ducky was getting frustrated with me and it had cut deeply. I sighed in resignation and tried to formulate a complete and sensible thought out of the maelstrom that was billowing in my conscience. I didn't know where to start since there was no clear beginning, middle or end to my feelings. I decided on starting with my never ebbing love for Kate and the tragedy of her being taken away from me in one fell swoop. Besides, the man was omnipotent. He would probably figure everything out from what little information I would give him anyway. It was part and parcel of being an NCIS elite.

"Ignorance is bliss," I said simply.

I was biding my time, trying to figure out how to start but in the meantime Ducky had to break the awkward silence that had grown between us somehow.

"Jethro, you are insufferable," Ducky commented sternly.

"Ducky, I have integrity. You know that. I will not be a whore to my own existence," I said philosophically.

"Yes, Jethro, I know better than anyone else of your desperation to maintain your integrity, but you can't just walk down the path of least resistance. Whoever told you that life was easy was sorely mistaken," Ducky said lightly.

Great, he was getting all Freudian on me. I sighed and gave up trying to build walls. He would just keep poking at me until I caved. There was no escape. I ran a hand over my tired eyes and propped myself up on my elbows, thinking that maybe if I was more level with the man I could find the words to explain what was going on inside my mind. Hopefully he could suggest something to keep me from going insane. At that same moment the door to autopsy opened and Tony poked his head into the room.

"Hey Ducky, do you have a minute?" Tony asked somberly.

"Actually, I'm with someone at the moment. Is it urgent?" Ducky replied.

"No, I just wanted to talk to you for a little bit," Tony said quietly.

"I'll page you once I've finished here, Anthony," Ducky said softly.

"Sure, thanks Duck," Tony said.

Ducky nodded and I watched Tony leave the room. There lay proof that I wasn't the only one having trouble coping. Somehow it only served to make me feel worse about the whole situation. My other team members were feeling responsible for my actions and it just wasn't right. Of course Ducky would say that it was no one's fault, but he had to be objective. I sighed and spoke the first words that came to mind.

"I'm not a perfect person," I deadpanned.

Ducky spun around on his heels and looked at me encouragingly. I knew that I wasn't perfect as well as the next guy, but somehow it made me feel even lower admitting it. I took a deep breath and continued.

"I loved her, Ducky," I said morosely.

"Loved, Jethro, or love?" Ducky asked.

"I _love _her, Duck," I amended, "but I don't want to love her anymore."

The words were like acid; burning my throat and choking me. The painful part of it was that I actually meant it. I really didn't want to love her anymore.

"I need to let her go, but I can't. I know it makes me seem like some kind of maniacal sadist or something, but I can't deal with loving her anymore. Loving her only makes having lost her more painful. What am I supposed to do, Duck?" I asked hopelessly.

Ducky didn't seem the least bit jilted by my words. He nodded in the affirmative and I could feel his understanding. I could feel it, but I couldn't accept it. It just drove me further into my depression.

"You'll let her go when the time is right, Jethro. Until then all you can do is accept your feelings and all of the feelings that come with each of them," Ducky said wisely.

I marveled at the fact that Ducky could make the simplest thing sound so eloquent when I had trouble organizing my thoughts into colloquial sentence fragments. I decided that enough had been said. Besides, I couldn't find the words at the moment. If I could think of something worth sharing I forced myself to swear I would come back to see Ducky. After all, I knew he just wanted to help. Plus, I found that talking to him really did help chip some of the weight off of the proverbial block sitting on my chest. I sat up and hopped off of the autopsy table. I walked over to where my old friend stood and smiled.

"Thanks for listening, Duck," I said sincerely.

"Anytime, Jethro," he replied.

Ducky clapped me on the back as I headed out the door. I waited for the elevator and tried to tame my inner demons. I realized that this was getting the best of me. I was fighting a desperately losing battle against depression but I didn't have the strength to fight back. I'll admit that suicide had crossed my mind, but I decided that it wouldn't solve anything. It's not what Kate would've wanted. I stepped off of the elevator and into the bullpen, running headlong into Tony. I seemed to have been doing that a lot lately. I supposed I was off my game since we had lost a player.

"Sorry, Gibbs," Tony said apologetically.

"Don't worry about it. Are you okay? I saw you talking to Ducky before," I said lightly.

"I'm fine but I could ask you the same thing," Tony replied.

"I'm alright. I'm always here if you want to talk," I said.

"I know and I'm here if _you_ want to talk, too," Tony said sympathetically.

I nodded and turned to walk to my desk. Tony headed off in the direction of the morgue. I suppose Tony felt more comfortable talking to Ducky because Ducky wasn't a walking catastrophe. An emotional train wreck, so to speak. I sat in the chair behind my desk and rested my face on my hands. I couldn't even think about work at the moment. I sat back and picked up the phone, forcing myself to concentrate. I dialed in the extension for Abby's lab and waited for her to pick up.

"You've reached the crypt, please leave a message after the beep," Abby said monotonously.

"I know you're there, Abbs," I said lightly.

"Darn, I've been found out. What did you need, Gibbs?" She asked.

She was being lighthearted but I could hear a trace of sadness in her voice. She sounded like she had been crying. I sighed and tried to remember why I was calling her in the first place.

"Have you got the results of the DNA analysis you ran on the blood we found in petty officer Giroux's car?" I asked.

"Not yet, Gibbs, but be patient. Patience is a virtue," Abby said philosophically.

"Okay, let me know when you've got something," I said.

"Will do," she replied.

I hung up the phone and stared at my hands for minute before decided to head to Abby's lab. I was worried about her. I walked back to the elevator and took it down to the respective floor. I found my beloved lab rat sitting at her table, sobbing lightly as she sorted through some papers. I walked over and put my hand gently on her shoulder. She jumped at my touch and spun around.

"Gibbs! You scared me," she gasped.

"Sorry," I said softly.

"What are you doing down here?" She asked.

"I thought I'd come down and see how you were doing. You sounded a little hinky on the phone," I said.

I had used her favorite word in hopes of cheering her up. My efforts were at least partially successful as a weak smile tugged at her lips. It didn't quite reach her eyes, but it was better than nothing.

"I was just tidying up my desk drawers and I found an old photo of Kate and me that Tony took one time when he was testing out one of the new cameras. It brought back a whole bunch of memories and I…" Abby trailed off.

I hugged her as fresh tears began to flow from her eyes. The photo was sitting on her desk, winking me in the face. I saw how happy she and Kate were and tears stung at my own eyes, threatening to fall. I pulled away and instead held Abby's hand in a gesture of friendly support. She squeezed my hand gently and wiped the tears from her eyes.

"You know, I promised myself I wouldn't cry. I promised myself that I would move on and remember her and think happy thoughts, but no matter what I do I cry. Even when they are happy thoughts," Abby said dejectedly.

My heart wrenched at her words. I felt much the same way, but I couldn't find it in myself to say it out loud. Until now, that is.

"Me too," I agreed.

Abby smiled weakly through her tears. I returned the smile and stepped away from her. My heart felt lighter knowing that someone else felt the kinds of things I did. Abby held her own special place in my heart and she was helping me fill the void that Kate had left behind. I tried to be the father figure for her like Ducky was for me in hopes of easing her pain. I hoped that in turn she could ease mine. Each team member had their own respective role in my life. Tony was like the mischievous son I never had. McGee was like the withdrawn nephew that I had to coax out of his shell. Ducky was like a wise old grandfather and Abby was like a younger sister. Kate filled the spot that had been left scarred by all of my ex-wives. She was my better half. Though I don't believe in soul mates, it was the only word that would come to mind at the moment. They were like family to me. A family I had to support and protect. However, at the end of every day, when it came down to the bare essentials I was no more than a team member to them, I was sure. I snapped out of my reverie and gave Abby's shoulder one last commiserating squeeze before turning to leave the lab.

"I'll see you later, Abbs," I said softly.

"See you, Gibbs," she replied.

I waved over my shoulder and left the lab. I jogged up the stairs to the bullpen. Even the minor exertion helped remind me that I was only human and that I was allowed to make mistakes. It was just too bad that my mistake had cost Kate her life. She was only human, too, and only human meant mortal. God, I hated the universe sometimes. Ducky was right. The guy who said life was easy obviously hadn't experienced both sides of the yin yang. He obviously had never born witness to catastrophe. I dropped into the chair behind my desk and began typing. It was pointless; I'm computer illiterate. If I type any faster than twelve words per minute I may as well be typing in Chinese. I gave up and instead I decided to play a game of solitaire online. It was one of the many perks of being the boss. I was half way through a game when Tony walked into the bullpen and sat down at my desk. I regarded him looking at me over his monitor. He had sobered a little since I had run into him on my way up from the morgue. At least now there was some color in his cheeks. I sighed and walked over to his desk. There was no point in telling him to take the rest of the day off as there was only half an hour of our shift left. The weekend was coming and hopefully he could rest then. I chose my words carefully before speaking.

"How was your talk with Ducky?" I asked lightly.

"Fine," Tony replied.

I sighed and heard the denial evident in his voice. It was the embodiment of what I felt. Tony knew he couldn't hide his feelings from me. I had spent too many years as an interrogator to be fooled. However, for his sake, I decided not to pursue the subject. I knew the less I talked about it the better I felt, so maybe the same went for Tony. Besides, if he wanted to talk he knew where to find me.

The last half hour of work passed second by second; like the grains of sand in the proverbial hourglass. I packed my briefcase and walked out of the building with Tony. In the parking lot I wished him well and got into my car. I watched the scenery fly by out of the corner of my eye as I drove home. The sun was setting and I found myself smiling. There were crazies out there who believed that the setting of the sun was the end of the world when really it was just a new beginning.

At that moment a great weight was lifted off of my chest. I breathed and felt warmth surge through my body. It reached my fingertips and I sighed with relief. I was happy. For the first time since Kate's death I felt a renewed joy. I felt like I could wake up and live my life more normally. I could move on. I had had an epiphany. Kate's death wasn't an ending, it was a beginning. A chance to fix my mistakes and become a better person. A chance to become a better agent. I could once again see clearly through the bars of rage that silently tortured me. The ones that trapped me inside myself.

I had broken free from the confines of my guilty conscience. I realized that I didn't have to stop loving Kate to live without her. I wouldn't really have to live without her, anyway. Not if I didn't let myself forget. It was a win-win situation. I reached home and collapsed on the bed. I cried tears of relief and sweet release. I knew I wouldn't have to claw at the amaranth that was burned into my mind to remember her. I would remember the feelings more than the details, but I knew it was enough. The fog of depression that had hovered over me since that one fateful day had lifted and I could see the light ahead. It was faint, but it was something.

I sat outside on the porch drinking coffee and welcomed the feeling of the cool night air on my skin. A whispering breeze blew around me and reminded me of Kate's delicate touch. I could hear her laughter in the rustle of the dancing leaves and see her smiling face in the glow of the moon. I only hoped that Tony could experience it, too.

I went to bed no longer worried about being haunted by merciless nightmares. Sleep ceased me like a vice. It was the first time I had slept well in years, but more importantly, the first time I had slept at all recently. It was the dawn of a new age.

Yo he esta-do agui muchas veces antes y regreso. Y regreso agui otra vez y comienzo.

* * *

_A.N.: What do you think? Its longer than the last chapter and was more difficult to write. Sorry it took me so long, but I had a LOT of homework. The last line (in Spanish) roughly translated means "I have been here often before and now I return. I return again to another beginning." Its a quote from an AFI song. Thanks for reading now please take the time to type up a short review. –Julia-_


	7. Pretending

**Beautiful Oblivion**

This is my first NCIS story. The team is involved in a shootout in an abandoned warehouse and one member is critically injured. Love and tragedy are inevitable. Warning; tearjerker character death fic. Kibbs in Gibbs' POV. Please review!

Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS; I'm just borrowing it to serve my purpose.

Chapter 7: Pretending

I woke up in the morning and slowly extirpated myself from the bed. I had slept incredibly well and just wanted to melt back into the sheets for a couple more hours. It was just too bad that I believed in leading by example; meaning that I had to be on time if I was ever going to have any authority. It was Saturday morning and I was glad it was a day off, save for having to pick up some files. I showered quickly and dressed, deciding to visit Kate's grave before heading to the bullpen.

On my way to the cemetery I picked up a single red rose to place on the tombstone. I decided it was an appropriate, albeit subtle, declaration of my love and the residual pain that lingered somewhere in the depths of my heart. I inhaled the cool, crisp air as I walked through the graveyard. The moisture burned my lungs and made me shiver. Finally, I found Kate's tombstone. It was granite and stood out among the plain gray stone of all the surrounding tombstones. I stared at the epitaph engraved in the marbled black surface of the stone.

_I walked away from my life knowing that I had fought the good fight._

It was a beautiful tribute to Kate and an appropriate herald to her honorable death. I knew that she couldn't have been happier at the moment she had died. She had no unfinished business and so that was how the phrase had been decided. She was at peace with the world and she had loved her work for national security. I smiled slightly and placed the rose on top of the headstone as a single tear escaped my eye. I sighed and stared at the glare glancing off of the smooth marble.

"Oh, Kate, I miss you. I loved you then and I love you now, but I know I can love you without feeling the hurt. I know that you're safe now, away from me, from this life. I know you're looking down on me and shaking your head. You were always my worst critic, Kate, but I loved you nevertheless. Watch over Tony and the rest of the gang, too. Abby misses you and I don't think Tony quite knows what to do with himself without a sister to take his frustrations out on. Its going to be hard getting used to this not having you here, but I know that you want us to manage and to move on," I said.

I stopped because I had spotted a shadow lurking by a tree out of the corner of my eye. I wrapped my hand around Kate's SIG Sauer, which I now carried with me for good luck. Hopefully it would serve me as well as it had served her. I inched back a step and looked around. I loosened my grip on the gun when I saw Tony emerge from behind the giant redwood. He sauntered over to me humorlessly and looked down at Kate's grave with sunken eyes. He had been crying again. He placed a rose next to mine and lit a candle to put at the foot of the headstone. I stepped back for a moment so he could have his own time with her memory. His posture betrayed his grief. I observed him as he uttered a silent prayer for her soul. A moment later he stepped back to where I stood and looked at me solemnly. All the years of steeling myself against the emotion that was betrayed in the eyes of those in whose I chose to look fell to pieces with an almost audible crash. I put my hand on Tony's shoulder and slowly walked him out of the cemetery. I couldn't let him go on like this. It was destroying him. We reached our cars and I led him over to mine. He looked at me questioningly.

"Get in, Tony," I ordered.

"I have my car here," he began.

"You're too distraught to drive. We're going for coffee and then we're gonna have a nice long chat," I said lightly.

My tone brooked no argument. Tony sighed lightly and resignedly got into the car. I followed his lead and drove us to the nearest DC Beans. Tony sat at a table in an isolated corner while I ordered our coffees. I returned to the table with our respective drinks. I put Tony's espresso down and sat, sipping my own mocha red-eye. I looked at him appraisingly and the slouch in his shoulders summed all of the grief he felt up rather simply. I knew because of experience what he was feeling. He looked at the coffee as he swirled his cup before looking up to meet my gaze. His eyes were pleading with my soul to help him. It was like making a deal with the devil.

"I know what you're going through, Tony. I know because I've been there. I don't know what I can say to make you feel less hurt, but I can promise you that one day you'll figure that out on your own," I said reassuringly.

It was still hard for me to play the father-figure. Tony sighed and nodded ever so slightly.

"Can we go elsewhere to talk?" He asked.

"Sure," I complied.

We were back in the car and I flicked on some quite music. It was better than driving in silence. I hoped it would help take Tony's mind off of Kate. I began to feel that sense of loss again. Tony was dragging me down with him. It was like the Titanic. However, I couldn't just let him suffer alone. This was just another bullet I would have to take for a team member. We reached my house and walked inside. I sat in the armchair and watched Tony as he started into the hearth. The most disturbing part of the whole situation was the fact that the usual DiNozzo glimmer was missing from his eyes. Oh, I hated that glimmer, but even that was better than nothing at all. Kate had taken that glimmer to the grave with her. I decided against prodding Tony, I knew there was nothing I could say to get him to talk if the time wasn't right. Soon enough, though, he initiated the conversation.

"It was all my fault," Tony said simply.

I was appalled at the fact that he felt responsible.

"Don't blame yourself, Tony. You didn't shoot her," I said somberly.

"No, but I could have been better. I could have been faster, smarter," Tony listed.

"You couldn't have known," I rationalized.

It was easier said than believed. I thought that same thing. That I could have known and that I could have reacted. There was nothing I could hope to say as an instant fix for Tony. He would just have to sort through the pieces himself. I saw the tears run down his cheeks silently as he continued to stare into the fireplace. It was heartbreaking to see him weak. The usually unflappable Tony currently embodied what he despised the most in the world. Weakness. It was what I despised, too. I despised it in myself, but could understand it in others. The hatred didn't make it any easier to cope with when I had been in anguish.

"You've always taught us to expect the unexpected and anticipate the unforeseen. So much for that, huh? I can't do this anymore, Gibbs, I want to quit. I can't stand to worry about losing another team member every time I go out into the field," Tony snarled.

"Tony, you listen to me. I'm not about to let you go postal on my ass. I'm not gonna let you walk away and leave me with McGee to cover my six each time we're on a case. You're one of the best field agents I've had the honor of working with in my life and I'm not going to let you turn around and leave me behind. You're the only one left that I trust to be there every step of the way. Sure, you get sidetracked sometimes, but nobody's perfect. I never thought I'd admit it, Tony, but you're one hell of a good man. I'm not going to let you walk away on me now, is that clear?" I asked sharply.

Tony seemed to think it over and visibly compose himself. If he felt even half of the turbulent emotions I did, I could understand why that would be necessary. I waited patiently for him to speak. His lack of brio was starting to worry me even more than his grief. It was really difficult to imagine anything getting Tony down. I was led to believe that he was the type to grieve in private, much like me myself. It was importunate that I got some kind of a response out of him or I would have to watch him like a hawk so he didn't play the suicide card. If I hadn't contemplated it myself the thought never would have occurred to me. A tense moment later, Tony finally spoke.

"Didn't you want to walk away at first?" Tony asked somberly.

Strangely, I wasn't thrown for a loop by the question. The answer was simple.

"Yes, I did, but at the same time I wanted to avenge Kate's death. I wanted all of those murdering bastards out there that I would come to face to rot in Leavenworth. I wanted to avenge the deaths of all of their victims, because somewhere behind each of those victims is a family, just like us, that has to grieve their loss. Knowing that pain just fuelled my desire to get back out there and do some avenging," I replied honestly.

The corners of Tony's mouth twitched in a weak smile. I was relieved to see even the tiniest sight of humor at this point. He exhaled lengthily and ran a hand over his tired eyes.

"In the time I've known you, Gibbs, you've never once been wrong. Why should that change now? We can go out there and avenge Kate's death as a team," Tony said firmly.

I was amazed that Tony believed I was never wrong. I could admit it was _almost _true. The one mistake I had made, however, had cost Kate her life. I gave myself a mental shake and promised myself I wouldn't think of it that way. I didn't want to feel guilty and depressed anymore. It wasn't worth it. I just hoped Tony could feel that, too. I stared at my younger counterpart and felt my heart wrench. He was so young and he already had to deal with such a burden. It wasn't fair to him, and the fact that he had felt guilty for my sole mistake just made the pain worse. Tony took a deep breath and looked up at me. I looked into his eyes and could see the crack in the ice that had settled over his heart. It was his turn for an epiphany. I smiled back at him and clapped him lightly on the shoulder in a gesture of reassurance.

"I've got to get my car. I still have some errands to run," Tony explained.

"I'll take you back to get it," I replied.

Tony nodded and we stood up to leave. The drive back to the cemetery was made in complete silence, with the exception of the other patrons of the road and the mechanical whirr of the engine. Tony looked contemplative, but less agonized than previously. I pulled in behind Tony's car and pulled the parking brake. Tony unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the door. He stood up to leave but instead of shutting the door, he turned back and ducked into the car again. I looked at him inquisitively and waited for him to speak.

"Thanks, Gibbs. For everything," Tony said simply.

I nodded and smiled slightly. I should be thanking Tony for helping me to realize even more about how Kate's death had really affected me. He closed the car door and I watched him walk away. I waited until he drove away to follow suit. I decided against going to pick up those files that I had planned on collecting originally. It was just agitprop, which I really didn't need at the moment. Instead, I headed back to the house and became absorbed in another true crime novel, sitting dishabille, thinking of the crime against humanity that McLeod had committed. He had gotten off easy, without his just ending. It would have served him right to do time in Leavenworth.

I only took comfort in knowing that Kate could have her revenge on him on the other side. I laughed at the mental image of Kate pulling out an ethereal SIG Sauer and leaving him with a double tap to the chest before kicking him down to hell where he belongs.

Maybe it was a just ending, after all…

* * *

_A.N.: How was that chapter? It was a hard one to write, but it had to be done. I couldn't just let you guys hang on what was happening with Tony. If you have any ideas for the last chapter, let me know! Thanks for reading, now please review-Julia- _


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